Identity Crisis
I recently realized that I'm in the middle of a full-blown identity crisis, who knew? It all began when my friend, Maddy, changed her blog template to the cutest design ever and I turned green with envy. After looking at her blog, mine just felt so, ... so, ... dull. Thus, began my search for a new blog template.
Big mistake, HUGE! See, I wanted my blog to say something, to represent me as a person; I wanted it to shout, Lynette. But, after about a week of searching, trying out new templates and hating them, changing the name of my blog about a thousand times and failing miserably, I was more confused than ever. I no longer knew who I was, or what I liked. Worst of all, I didn’t understand how on earth I had convinced myself that this simple blog was going to portray my identity. After abandoning my project, I realized something. The real problem wasn't my blog title, or the silly template I would eventually use, it was that I had discovered that after becoming a wife and mother I've lost part of myself, lost part of my identity. My life has become my husband and my kids, and in a way, no longer my own. Therefore, my quest for a new blog template turned into my quest for self-discovery. And here's what I discovered, I'm a 27 year old woman who can read her husband's mind (most of the time), connect with a 4 year old, and decipher the needs of a 1 year old. But, I am also a 27 year old who has forgotten to be herself, and it's been so long since I was her, I don't even know who she is anymore. Would I even recognize her if I saw her? Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy being a wife and mother, but am I happy being me? And am I even really "me" underneath the responsibilities I wear or have these costumes become the real me?
In the end, I made a template that I'm satisfied with, at least for now, and I decided to name my blog Lynette, because let's face it, it's a name I've grown fond of. As for the other lingering questions, I'm still undecided. But what I do know for sure is that I'm going to start learning more about who Lynette really is. For heaven's sake, I am only 27; I still have a few years to figure this out. And hopefully as the years pass and I come to known her better, maybe I'll realize that she's been here all along.
4 comments:
Lynette-- I saw your comment on my blog and hoped it meant you had updated! You have! WOW! You gave me a lot to think about. What your describing has gone through my mind a thousand times, but not on such a deep level. My 10 year High School reunion was this summer and I've really had a hard time looking back and saying, "What have I accomplished with my life?" and honestly, I don't know. I really don't know where I start and everyone else stops. On days when I start going through all of this, I just have to be content to realize how happy I am. I have amazing chidlren, a great husband and home, wonderful friends and the Gospel. I have pretty much everything that the rest of the world searches for. . . and they probably don't know who they are. I think finding yourself is a life long process and there will be time. One day the children will all be grown!
Anyway, this is a book, but I totally relate to your quest! GOOD LUCK!
And PS When doyou guys move? And I'm excited that Carly gets to start school too! Will she go to an International school? I have so many questions!
I miss you! Even if you're not sure who you are, the Lynette I know I love everything about. You are an amazing wife and mother but you're other things too. I envy your orgranizational skills and decorating ideas. You are also so funny--the funniest person I know! You have this amazing sense of humor and this way of telling a story that makes everyone in the room laugh and want to be near you and be your friend...and then hopefully you'll tell a story about them one day that's half as funny! The short time I hung out with you in Provo I grew to love you more than you know! You may think I'm weird but I wanted you to know that I LOVE the Lynette I know!...and I love your blog template.
Lynette, I adore you - and I am certain that the not knowing who we are is part of who we are (how's that for a paradox that seems to make little sense). I guess its questions - always questions - that at least allow us a chance to grow. So, in essence, we can't always find us, because we aren't just sitting still - thank goodness!
I went went through all this when Davis was diagnosed with autism. Questioning who you are, what you're doing with your life, how much can you handle, and finding value in the simple things are all very important steps! You're asking all the right questions at the perfect time of your life. There's no doubt you'll figure it out. You have the most amazing big sis I can think of.
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